Fd'925

I am absolutely over every second that i am obligated to wake up at 6 something to get to a job at 8:00. I am drained and exhausted from the thought of having to do this! And even worse doing the same routine for the next 30 years of my being. I need to get out and be liberated and FREE. According to my vague recollection of history.. slavery was abolished and i live in the US of A. Where I can do whatever i damn well please as long as its legal of course.

There are only two ways to get out of the 9-5 ... stop.. why do they call it 9 to 5 when it starts at 8!!? ... which are #1. Starting your own business and #2. Going back to school - the only mature adult self sustaining respectable 'outs' of slavery. Yes i am going to refer to working as slavery. There is a plantation ... the work office... and the slave master... the boss and his boss and her boss and so on and on.. Ahh and the house maids... who are those who kiss ass so they have preferential treatment. Im not against it... but when its not me i definitely am esp when i am never that person because i don't do bottom feeder stuff like that. I genuinely don't see a lot of distinctions between slavery and the crap 95% of the population with jobs have to put up with. I will write an essay on this! I swear it will be a PhD qualified dissertation.

I am drained. Physically and mentally and i don't want to do this any more but there are these logical points that make me have to! such as #1. Bills #2. Bills #3. How much i could save after working there for even for just another year. But i know in my heart that this is not for me. I know that i am not a robot or a monkey and this widget churning is not my destiny.

Unlike a lot of you out there... i have no responsibilities such as children, husband and mortgage etc. which compel me to stay enslaved. So, I am at the point before you got all those things. What would you do differently? What would you tell yourself then, knowing what you know now? I want to hear.

So i am on a mission to liberate myself from the slavery of a 9-5 and be happy and self sustained! But first i need to figure out what the bonkers i would do and what am i good at to do?

Step by step i am going to figure out how to solve this dilemma while being a reasonably responsible adult.

Breaking into the lack of Traditional gestures

Tonight i went out with a guy i know. We went to happy hour for dinner and we get to talking to know each other. After a while, I realize we have a number of things in common and i am thinking wow.. maybe we could date.. i am having a great time. But, then the check comes and i offer my credit card and he lets me split the bill... all of $8 by the way so the idea of money is a non-issue. But i get this feeling.. as if we are not on a date. I no longer feel "attraction" and i feel we are just hanging out and "next" on the dating scene.I lose interest instantaneously. This happens once again in the same night for dessert at another restaurant and again i am over come with... the feeling as if this is not someone to date. ... just to be friends permanently. But the conversation is amazing an d i think he is appealing. I am also noticing that not a single door is opened for me or a compliment on my appearance... what is going on with this man? Am i living in the wrong generation, am i dating the wrong generation?? Maybe cultural... nah he was from my culture... and one year older than me. So the next proposition must be that i am the one who is "different". I have a girlfriend who married a man who went dutch on their first date . But she is American, a far more feminist culture and maybe more forgiving of men.
I need to let go of the idea that my feelings towards men should not be influenced by opening doors, picking up the tab and saying nice things when you made an effort... Its going to be difficult but if i dont want to risk missing out on an opportunity to meet a great person who simply happens to lack these qualities.

Long Day of Relief

Today i interviewed for this amazing position i would love to have in with this large health care firm so... it was a hard core interview. They literally read off questions and wrote my response on a paper. There was nothing original about their questions. I prepare so hard and the read a sheet. They didnt even look over my resume before i went. Anyhow... it was fun.
So i have been a litte ill all day and hungry.. i need to eat more regularly. I got home at about 7pm then went out to a birthday party at about 9:30. But i wasnt feeling well enough to be there.
Anyhow, i really want that job. Can you imagine the doors that would open up to me!!! my last entry would be real TO ME@!!!! i could see myself working towards their cause. I have connections and i interviewed well i just have to have FAITH and confidence that i just need to believe.
I will continue to apply for other positions and have the same confidence .
I cant wait to read my entry three months from now so see where i am

Unequality

Today, was a difficult day. I took the bus and got lost and spent more time than i should. I was so frustrated a number of times. I began to become really bitter. Bitter because any one person who has thousands of dollars could help me with 2 and i would be better.
Why is it so unfair!! It took an hour to do what in a car takes 5minutes.
But you know what i was concerving energy and being green... even though a gallon of gas would have taken me further and for less.

Venting Publicly

Do bad things really happen in Threes? Wouldnt that be the silliest fate to man. Its like, if one thing 'bad' happened we could just sit back with a ice cold margarita and count the second and third! Insane! But this is the good old fate we live in. Ha, i hope not.
Worrying over things is the reason people believe this sort of thing. If its not one thing in life its not. The best example is money. When you dont have it you worry about it and when you swimming in it your worrying about the IRS, the stock market risk, wheather she/he loves me only because of it. Its a never ending cycle. But not so never ending... reason being, old people seem so happy to us because most have realized that in life, everything really does pass and we get through it. We manage to find the rent, get that bag we always wanted, take that vacation, hell, stay alive! Its hard to enjoy the things we have when the mind is boggled with worry. I'm sure that people that worry tend to have high blood pressure and die early. Thats harsh but its true i bet.
So back to reality. I worry, you worry, we all worry. Worries can stem from wishes and wants which are the things that drive our futures. But lately i have been having these deep thoughts about this 'love' thing. I recently watched this great chick flick and i couldnt help but watch it three times in ONE DAY. Reason being that i wished so that happiness and excitement that leading lady found. Why do movies drive those of us who dont have love into a shallow depression with story lines that never -that the average person- experiences? They got what they wanted though... me watching it three times. Its not fair! Why are some of us madly and happily in love while the rest of us, dont know what any of that is about ... welll for more than the inital three weeks of the average relationship. I am sick of it.. this deliberate taunting. But yes, not sick enough, because i re-ordered it on netfilx.
People make millions talking about love and relationships. The reason they do is because no one knows what the hell they are talking about. There are one hour talk shows... sorry without ads 40 min talkshows about this. Greg Barron apparently... what a crock! Can one person.. much less a man! know anything. Its impossible. if he weren't as good looking he would be at home wathching Dr. Phil and Oprah trying to come up with a new book...." He should just F himself" -if he's just not into me..... and then there is Dr. Phil who i am not against, but gosh, he is so condesending ... well they all are. The worst one is Dr. I cant remember, but he is on before Greg on another station. Anyway the best advise i ever got, was when i was on a flight somewhere and sat next to an elderly gentleman who told me he had been married for over 30 years. I was amazed, i was 19 or something, and i asked him... 'How did you manage that?' He said you have to constantly work at it. And ofcourse spend time apart.. he travels occasionally for work. He described relationships as something that constantly needs attention.... not the person... the connection. So knowing this bible scripture... i thought it was easy to do. Ha! Its going to take me a good 10 years to work out some kind of methodology. I've learnt so far... you have to start working from the begining. Because the longer you wait the harder it is. After a while sleeping and ignoring things become so much easier and 'better'. By that time your too passive.
Anyhow.
How do we find that 'one' the NEO of our hearts and soul? How many times will we cross paths with our future mate without knowing.. Isn't that evil... when you could be spending every breathing moment together.... Its not Fair I tell you, its not. But what can you do...
nada but have faith in fate and wait.